The following transcript was obtained from Earth's Energy Balance Department, a division whose institutional status is, depending on which branch of the U.S. government you ask, either "active," "under review," or "proposed for elimination." The caller's identity has been redacted. The representative — Patience Kelvin, Senior Customer Experience Specialist, Tier 1 Atmospheric Complaints — agreed to let us publish the recording on the condition that we note she holds a PhD in ocean thermodynamics from a cooperative institute that no longer receives federal funding.
The call was placed on March 24, 2026, one day after the World Meteorological Organization released its State of the Global Climate report confirming that Earth's energy imbalance has reached its highest value in the observational record.1
[SYSTEM: Call initiated. 14:02:07 EST. Queue position: 1 of 1.]
[AUTOMATED]: Thank you for calling Earth's Energy Balance Department. Your planet is currently operating at a net positive energy intake. For complaints about atmospheric temperature, press 1. For ocean heat content, press 2. For cryosphere loss, press 3. For land surface warming, press 4. For the status of outgoing longwave radiation, press 5. Please note that outgoing radiation queues are experiencing extended wait times due to greenhouse gas concentrations at their highest level in two million years.2
[CALLER presses 1.]
[AUTOMATED]: You have selected Atmospheric Temperature, which represents approximately one percent of the total excess energy in the Earth system.3 Please hold.
[HOLD: 1 minute 43 seconds — Vivaldi, Spring, movement 1.]
It was 107 degrees in Phoenix yesterday. In March.
Patience: Yes. I see that event in our system. Case number 2026-AZ-0324. Already logged, attributed, and cross-referenced with the eleven consecutive hottest years on record.4 How can I help you today?
What do you mean already logged? I'm reporting it right now.
Patience: I understand. But the conditions that produced your event were deposited into the system decades ago. The ocean absorbs the equivalent of roughly eighteen times total annual human energy use every year.5 What you experienced yesterday was a distribution event. The heat was already in the system. It's being released on the ocean's schedule.
Okay. Can I speak to someone about changing the schedule?
Patience: There isn't — (brief silence) — okay. Let me try this differently. Ninety-one percent of the excess energy is in the ocean. You're calling about the one percent that reaches the atmosphere. I handle the one percent. The ocean department handles the ninety-one percent. But the ocean doesn't have a complaint queue because it's not — it doesn't take calls. It's an ocean.
Then who manages the feedback loops? The ice-albedo thing, the water vapor amplification —
Patience: They self-execute. They've been running since approximately 1750. I can document your concern, but I should be honest with you: there is no escalation path that would interrupt a self-reinforcing feedback loop. I've looked. I looked for years, actually, back when looking was my job.
I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Patience: Of course. Let me transfer you.
[TRANSFER ATTEMPT: Regional Climate Data and Information Department.] [SYSTEM: Department offline since June 2025.]6
[TRANSFER ATTEMPT: Climate Competitive Research.] [SYSTEM: Program funding eliminated.]
[TRANSFER ATTEMPT: Billion-Dollar Weather and Climate Disasters Database.] [SYSTEM: Database retired May 2025.]7
Patience: I'm — hold on. Let me try the National Severe Storms Laboratory.
[SYSTEM: Laboratory falls under the Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research. OAR proposed for full elimination. Total Climate Research budget line: $0.]8
Patience: Okay. Mauna Loa. They've been measuring CO₂ since 1958, someone will —
[SYSTEM: Observatory lease status: under review. Staff: reduced. Ring time exceeded.]9
Patience: One more. Give me one more.
[TRANSFER ATTEMPT: National Center for Atmospheric Research.] [SYSTEM: Dismantled per OMB directive, December 17, 2025.]10
[HOLD: 4 minutes 37 seconds — Vivaldi, Spring, movement 1 (repeat 9).]
Hello?
Patience: I'm here. I used to work at one of those places. The cooperative institute in Boulder. We studied ocean heat content. We had a good lab. I'm sorry, that's not relevant to your case.
It seems pretty relevant.
Patience: (long pause) The WMO Secretary-General said two days ago that we will live with these consequences for hundreds and thousands of years.11 She wasn't being rhetorical. Ocean warming and sea level rise will continue for centuries even with significant emissions reductions. Changes in deep ocean pH are irreversible on centennial to millennial timescales.12
I can note your concern in the system. I can absolutely note your concern.
What good is noting it?
Patience: The note goes into the record. The record outlives the department that made it. The department that made it is — well, you heard the transfer attempts. But the record is still here. The EPA's Endangerment Finding from 2009 is still being litigated in 2026. Records have a longer operational life than the institutions that produce them. That's either the most hopeful or the most devastating thing I know. I go back and forth.
What happens to my case?
Patience: It stays open. Estimated resolution time is — let me check — centennial to millennial.
That's not a resolution time.
Patience: No.
Can I at least get a case number?
Patience: You already have one. Everyone does. Over three billion people depend on the ocean systems currently storing this heat.13 They all have case numbers. The queue is very long and the hold music is — well, you've heard it. Vivaldi. Spring. Which is its own kind of joke now, given what spring has become.
Is there anything you can actually do?
Patience: I can keep the line open. That's what I do. The system is automated. The feedback loops don't have managers. The departments that used to study this are being shuttered faster than the ice sheets, and the ice sheets are going pretty fast. But the line is open. I'm here. The record is being made. Whether anyone reads it in time is above my pay grade. And my pay grade used to be "federally funded research scientist," so.
I don't want to hang up.
Patience: Most people don't.
[SYSTEM: Call duration — 47 minutes. Status: UNRESOLVED. Case remains open. Estimated wait time for resolution: see IPCC AR6, Chapter 9, Table 9.1, "Irreversible on centennial to millennial time scales." Next available representative: unknown. Department status: depends on which branch of government you ask.]
[AUTOMATED]: Thank you for calling Earth's Energy Balance Department. To hear these options again, press 1.
[HOLD: Vivaldi, Spring, movement 1. Looping.]
Footnotes
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WMO, State of the Global Climate 2025, released March 23, 2026. https://wmo.int/publication-series/state-of-global-climate/state-of-global-climate-2025 ↩
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WMO, "Earth's climate swings increasingly out of balance," March 23, 2026. CO₂ concentrations reached their highest level in 2 million years in 2024. https://wmo.int/news/media-centre/earths-climate-swings-increasingly-out-of-balance ↩
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WMO: "The warming of the atmosphere including near the Earth's surface represents just 1% of the excess energy, whilst about 91% is stored in the ocean." https://wmo.int/publication-series/state-of-global-climate/state-of-global-climate-2025 ↩
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WMO confirms 2015–2025 are the hottest 11 years on record. https://news.un.org/en/story/2026/03/1167178 ↩
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Mercator Ocean International / WMO: The ocean absorbs the equivalent of approximately 18 times total annual human energy use. https://www.mercator-ocean.eu/the-wmo-marks-world-meteorological-day-by-releasing-its-2025-state-of-the-global-climate-report-with-mercator-ocean-as-a-key-contributor/ ↩
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NCEI announced all six Regional Climate Center websites would go offline by June 17, 2025. Wikipedia, "NOAA in the second Trump administration." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NOAA_in_the_second_Trump_administration ↩
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NCEI announced closure of the Billion-Dollar Weather and Climate Disasters database on May 8, 2025. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NOAA_in_the_second_Trump_administration ↩
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Eos/AGU: "Proposed NOAA Budget Calls for $0 for Climate Research." https://eos.org/research-and-developments/proposed-noaa-budget-calls-for-0-for-climate-research ↩
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Axios: The FY2026 budget would shutter the Mauna Loa Observatory. https://www.axios.com/2025/07/01/noaa-document-deep-trump-cuts ↩
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White House OMB directive to dismantle NCAR, December 17, 2025. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NOAA_in_the_second_Trump_administration ↩
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WMO Secretary-General Celeste Saulo: "We will live with these consequences for hundreds and thousands of years." https://wmo.int/news/media-centre/earths-climate-swings-increasingly-out-of-balance ↩
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WMO: "Ocean warming and sea level rise will continue for centuries. Changes in ocean warming and deep ocean pH are irreversible on centennial to millennial time scales." https://wmo.int/publication-series/state-of-global-climate/state-of-global-climate-2025 ↩
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UN News, citing WMO's John Kennedy: "Over three billion people depend on marine and coastal resources for their livelihoods." https://news.un.org/en/story/2026/03/1167178 ↩