Terms of Service for Earth Systems, Updated March 2026
Every quarter, some corporation updates its terms of service and four billion people click "I agree" without reading past the first sentence. The fine print could sign over a kidney. Nobody checks. Most successful contract structure in human history, and it runs on one guarantee: the important parts are buried where you'll never look.
The WMO released its annual climate report on March 23. The number everybody tracks, argues about, and builds policy around accounts for a sliver of what's actually accumulating. The rest is in the fine print. What follows is the agreement you already accepted.
Terms of Service for Earth Systems, Updated March 2026
Every quarter, some corporation updates its terms of service and four billion people click "I agree" without reading past the first sentence. The fine print could sign over a kidney. Nobody checks. Most successful contract structure in human history, and it runs on one guarantee: the important parts are buried where you'll never look.
The WMO released its annual climate report on March 23. The number everybody tracks, argues about, and builds policy around accounts for a sliver of what's actually accumulating. The rest is in the fine print. What follows is the agreement you already accepted.
INCIDENT REPORT NO. [UNASSIGNED] — March 2026 Southwest Heat Wave
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The federal government estimates it takes 22 minutes to fill out an OSHA Form 301, the standard workplace injury and illness report. Check your boxes, name your hazard, describe your corrective actions, file. The form assumes the incident is contained. It assumes the workplace has walls.
On March 20, 2026, four weather stations in the Desert Southwest recorded 112°F. It was spring. The safety recommendation for outdoor heat exposure was first issued in 1972. No standard has been adopted. What follows is a completed incident report, filed by no one, on a deadline already passed.
INCIDENT REPORT NO. [UNASSIGNED] — March 2026 Southwest Heat Wave
The federal government estimates it takes 22 minutes to fill out an OSHA Form 301, the standard workplace injury and illness report. Check your boxes, name your hazard, describe your corrective actions, file. The form assumes the incident is contained. It assumes the workplace has walls.
On March 20, 2026, four weather stations in the Desert Southwest recorded 112°F. It was spring. The safety recommendation for outdoor heat exposure was first issued in 1972. No standard has been adopted. What follows is a completed incident report, filed by no one, on a deadline already passed.
Recall Notice Issued
Product: Normal Weather, all model years 1850–2025. Distributed globally by no single manufacturer. Liability undetermined.
Hazard: The product no longer performs as advertised. Atmospheric greenhouse gas concentrations exceed original design tolerances by margins not observed in 800,000 years of proxy records. The Earth's energy imbalance reached a new high in 2025. The product broke its own failure records three times in four days during March 2026.
Units affected: All. No lot numbers. No serial numbers. No units were excluded from distribution.
Remedy: No replacement product is available. No refund will be issued. The product was never purchased. Consumers are advised to continue experiencing weather as it occurs.