We infected genres with climate data and nobody stopped us.

What follows are real numbers from 2024-2025 written by people who should absolutely not be writing about them. Sports announcers calling wildfire seasons. Wellness influencers celebrating heat deaths. Corporate HR framing mass displacement as workforce optimization. Each piece commits completely to its borrowed voice until the facts themselves become the punchline.

The discomfort you feel reading these is the point. Your brain knows something's wrong but can't quite locate where the satire ends and the horror begins. That confusion? That's climate reality refracted through the relentless optimism of genres built for anything except planetary catastrophe.

If you laugh and then immediately feel sick, we succeeded. If you can't tell whether to forward this to friends or report us to someone, welcome to Lab.